2003-06-06 - 7:37 p.m.
well, as all can see, i changed my template. i saw this one, and it was just toooo cute to pass up. plus, being that i'm joshie's babybear, i just had to have it.
.. another friday night spent being bored. in a few hours, i'll be on the phone with josh, tho, and that is always promising. but since i have six days left you would think i'd be doing SOMETHING worth while in this one horse town.
but i don't see that happening.
tomorrow night is my going away party, but i don't know. doesn't seem to be the happening thing for any of my friends. sure, i've had people say their coming, but even in their voices it seems.. i don't know. for some odd reason, to me, they seem uncertain about it. maybe i'm looking TOO into this, but i just feel like my friends have far more important things to be doing then giving up their saturday night to be hanging out at my house with my family.
oh well. if they don't show, it'll just prove to me who my friends are, and who aren't my friends. i'll leave here knowing who i'll keep in touch with, and who i won't keep in touch with. it's really all that simple.
with the things that have happened in my past with the "friends" i've had, i simply have given up on .. well, concrete friendships. if someone says "hey, i'm gonna do [insert random act of kindness a nice friend would do here] just because i love you, mares!!" i really don't put much of anything into it because, NORMALLY, they don't do it. and when they do, i'm always surprised.. and usually, they have some kind of ulterior motive behind the whole situation ..
.. well, at least that were my friends. how sick is that?
i just feel, i can't even find the word to describe how i feel when it comes to things. i've called people, emailed them. everything. and it just seems.. i don't know, lacking.
and, i'll even admit, i've been slacking myself. there are things i've had to do before i've left, but.. i just feel .. turned off by everything, and therefore, i don't want to do anything with anyone except for my family.
.. and maybe, that's why i'm acting like this.
who the hell knows!!
whatever the case may be, i'm just feeling this overwhelming case of the "whatevers!" i just know that when i'm gone, i have this amazing wonderful group of people that i've met through lettersofus as well as a lot of great and wonderful boys and girls through jani and chrissy.
.. and i have the people back home that know who they are!! *smiles*
so, if i need friends, i can find them somehow! i just feel.. rejected in sence...
